This is one prover’s notes from a group of 16. The full proving has not yet been published. The trituration is carried out using a small part of the wild yam, mixed in lactose powder. Each level of trituration takes an hour, grinding for 6 minutes then scraping for 4 minutes, adding more powder after 20 minutes and 40 minutes. The original substance was not known for this proving.
Head rolling movements, head feels heavy and wants to loll around like it has no support like a baby’s head. My body also wants to roll from side to side.
Eructations, moving outwards from the room, the voices are getting further away, moving past me, fading in and out
Head is heavy, rolling, now lying completely on my left side, the grinding is slowing down.
Slow meticulous scraping the lines, every bit beside every other bit. Everyone leaving me. I smell Skunk and so does everyone else
I have to be born, I don’t want to talk, to hear anything, just to sit with my heavy, lolling head
Pain in left upper arm, splinter like
Feeling boredom, scraping bit by bit, line by line
Lying close to the bowl, rhymthic sounds, low raspy sounds, touching my cheek with
my moving hand, round and round, my ear close to this substance that speaks to me
Tingling, my ear close, listening to the ‘blah, blah, blah’
I have to go out to shop all the movement from coming in
Why does she do it so fast? So loud, so close to me?
I want to hear just the scraping, quiet, orderly, slowly, turning bowl close to my ear, I dont want anyone close
I want to hide behind the chair. I turn my back to the people and grind with my right ear listening to the static,
The static keeps away all the noise. The the grinding becomes stroking my cheek, round and round,
soft, warm, soft cool, rhymthic flow blocking out the world, the voices, the speed of those hands moving over and in and around,
those feet going too fast, all that chatter, that noise I can’t stand it. I can’t bear it. I just want the static noise keeping everything out.
Before this trituration I am feeling chaotic, I can’t find my glasses, pen, paper, a kind of panic rising in me.
Grandmother tell me a story? (I am sitting on the cushion again, facing the big tree)
In the beginning there was water, pure beautiful water and we took the water into ourselves to flow through us, through every cell and nerve synapse. It brought fullness and allowed the ebb and flow to happen in our being.
And we drank the water, cooking with the water, played with it, refreshed ourselves. In fact we were so busy playing we did not notie the water was starting to change.
What happened next Grandma?
Well the water became salty and the saltiness spread across the earth. The fish came in the waters and out of the waters, the plants grew in the waters and out of the waters, and the animals also. There was an order, in and out, flowing, moving – and we came through this journeying. This water came through us, these fish, these plants, these animals.
Then the fire came – destruction,destroying heat, but there was enough water to quench the heat, to keep the flowing. The heat and the cool raged against each other, the water and the fire, and there was a kind of hatred and anger that rose up in us, very intense, very hard.
What happened next Grandma?
There was chaos and disorder, the plants did not know if they were fish, the fish did not know if they were birds, the birds did not know if they were humans. Everything was in doubt, confusion, transistion, not knowing. Then there was a lull, a times of waiting, how will it go? Expectation. Waiting in confusion and pain and suffering.
Unaware, everything was unaware of how the water would flow again. When the water began to flow again, everything began to crumble and wash away. Great streams of black muddy water flowed across the land, taking everything in its path, the fish, the houses, the cars and the people, the animals. There was great suffering and pain.
(I feel an urge to go and lie under the big tree)chanting “Ayah es sa aw sa nam Ayah es sa aw sa nam”
(Toning and chanting, lying on my back with my feet raised on the ledge surrounding the tree, as if in stirrups)
I am completely with the earth, open to her energy coming in through my arms to my abdomen; giving birth to new life.
Blowing out, blowing out, second stage. No longer needing Grandma to tell the story. I know the story.
I am living now the life I am born into, the beauty, the softness, the cool air, the soft white bark, rough and smooth, stimulating and calming. Then I walk from the beauty onto the stones to feel pain under my feet, to get away from too much softness and no pain.
I walk toward the darkness into the shadows of the trees and am drawn to the dark place beside the fence. There is a young oak growing but it can not stretch out it’s limbs to the sky bcause the conifers are holding it back, depriving it of light and nutrients and water. I ask the tree what it needs and it says to become powerful again. Who is the oak? England comes to mind, and the colonial forces that forced themselves upon the indigneous peoples. Mother England was cruel and hard and heartless. She brought another language, disease and poisonous medicines.
Yet in England Stonehenge, Chalice Wells, Glastonbury are also found, and need to be used in healing to bring clarity to the western people so they can see what they are doing. Then the Oak can grow again and the conifers will move aside to create space and water will flow again.
My journey is complete. Grandmother has spoken her wisdom.
Feeling my teeth. Tears are coming, the flashback of a cricket ball heading to my teeth, fear and shock, could not eat anymore, couldn’t take in nourishment. They filled my teeth with composite, front teeth lost vitality, no life, minerals lost and not replaced. The other teeth took it through the wire of my braces, they shared the shock and they acted as one to protect those that took the full force, even so two were killed. Sadness, tears, that two were lost, and two were injured.
Loose lower incisors, not quite holding on, unable to cope with sweetness, with cold, only hot is OK. Only heat relieves the intense ache in my teeth.
Did I ask for this? I knew my angels through this. Those that protect me and keep bad things from happening to me. Those that heal me and heal my horse. Those beings inside, myside and outside me.
I recognise a connection between my teeth and my shit dream. My investment, how I make my money, is through cleaning up other people’s shit but I realise it is really my shit I am cleaning up. The girl with her mother is in denial and so is her mother. The girl is 14 years old. She was having sex with her friends and that seems OK but this the shit that disturbs me, like when I defaecated in labour. I didn’t like that disturbance to the beautiful birthing of my little baby.
Great relief the Shit if OUT! (After I woke from the dream I had a very big stool and very satisfying release, compared with the multiple unsatisfactory bowel motions I have had up to this point)
Now I realise the two toilet seats were my cells just after conception (Sex). This first division. The shit comes from inside the cells and lay between them. And sparkling steel wool lay on the outside of the outter side of the seats so no one could shit on that part of the cells; like an outter protection. The steel and the wool. The steel is light, springy and maleable. It is my will, it’s strong, unrbreakable and intimately tied up to wool – my rootstock as sheep farmers.
One twin perished because she had no will to live. I survived because my will was very strong. There is deep sadness in me that my twin did not survive to help me, such an aloneness. I am not seen by the one who should’ve lay beside me in the pram. (Tears rise up from the well of grief -did I have a twin?).
(coughing, coughing repetitive coughing with aching in my belly)
Its exhausting being in this life on my own and having to clean up this shit that lingers on the edge of the first cell.
What do I need to do to clean this shit away? Just clean the seat, flick the stuff into the bowl and flush it to bacteria to clean up and take back to the earth. Polish the seat and the bowl, scent the air, arrange the toilet roll. All is complete.
(Warmth and fire spread through my belly)
I check with dentist what meridans the front teeth lie on – he says it is the bladder and kidneys. There is probably constant irritation and probably infection, consider removal and partial denture with thorough socket cleaning.
Irritation at everyone’s lack of respect for this process. They are talking, laughing, drunk. I am so irritated by the noise and the light, I have to go into the darkness (upstairs at the far end of the house). I throw pillows on the floor and lie on them as if I am giving birth.
Then I am in darkness and moving through a tunnel, I want the darkness, I want the silence. I feel very small and wriggly.
I beg for the ability to see the lights, the see the energy.
Now I am holding the bowl and it is glowing lime green then glowing royal blue. It is like Madame Curie looking at radium.
It feels miraculous to see this beautiful energy glowing in the darkness.
Then I remember I have been in this place in a dream and I walk around the sofas looking for a place to settle. I find a seat at the entrance to the room and I am at peace. Total peace. I can not go back to those people, that noise and light. I have to stay here in the darkness but I am tired and lay on the sofa and pull a blanket over me. Two friends come to find me and laugh because I am lying under an American flag. Their laughter and chat brings me back to myself and I can join the group again.